Total Pageviews

My Journey overview

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Surprise Surprise! Again, I'm back

Hello all!

I always have the best of intentions to update this blog weekly, bi-weekly but then get distracted and find it's been 2 and a half years since I last wrote on here.  Maybe, if I had written more often, I'd have stayed on track... maybe not!

In my previous post, I wrote of how I was going to do a half marathon and be amazing blah blah blah... but actually, I did all that! I trained hard, I got down to 12 stone 10 (178lb) the lightest and healthiest I'd been since I was about 15.  I still felt 'fat' and unhealthy, I'm not sure when I would have felt 'good' or 'pretty' or 'popular.'  I definitely felt strong though, and motivated, and more confident, and like I would never go back to how I'd been before.

Today is October 4th 2017, 2 years exactly to the date I ran my half marathon. Up to my half, I had completed a 5km race and 2 x 10km races.  Always the slowest in comparison to other people.  (Actually coming last of the finishers on the 2nd of those 10km races... thank goodness for Christopher Biggins being at the end of that to congratulate the finishers!) Despite being the slowest, or last to cross that finish line, I was only ever racing with myself, trying to get a new personal best.  I loved it.  I loved the feeling of seeing that finish line, knowing I had beaten the old me and the me from weeks before, and that it could only carry on like that. The world was my oyster. I felt more positive about life in general, and found a belief in myself and my ability to suceed at whatever I put my mind to. 

However, on the day of the half marathon, I had been feeling ill for weeks. I thought it was just exhaustion from all the running and knew I'd have a couple of weeks after the race to go back home to my family and no more upcoming races.  It would all be fine, if I could just make it to the finish in 13.1 miles, in a time I could be happy with.  It didn't quite work out as planned.

About 3km into the run, I started to really start feeling drained and just couldn't find my stride at all. A few more kmand I just couldn't get my pace, or find the 'zone.' By the time I had done 10 of 21km, I'd already started walking. I just couldn't do it.  I cried whilst I walked, and pushed myself to run when I could, and rang my sister who had already finished the race way ahead of me (she's always ran and been a healthy weight), who told me to just do my best and finish strong.  I ran the final 2.5km and finished in a time of around 3 and a half hours. I was devastated. I felt I had let myself down and crossed the finish line inconsolably crying.

A week later and I was still really unwell. I was hullucinating, barely able to stay awake and passed out on multiple occasions whilst working in the office alone. I was supposed to be going to Spain for a few days but decided to go back to my dads instead and try to recoup, still blaming my training and running as a fat person as the reason.  When I got back to my dad's I started being sick and that was the final straw... we went to A and E, where I remained for the next 10 days. It turns out I was actually very unwell and the running, and being busy, hadn't had anything to do with it, but probably hadn't helped.  I had glandular fever, which had lead to my spleen all but shutting down, in turn putting pressure on my liver to try harder, which it was struggling to do and had become inflamed to a point that it wasn't doing a great job either. My body was failing me, after all the months of improving it and feeding it the right sorts of foods, it hadn't made any difference at all... if anything I was more ill than I had ever been before.

I was released from hospital 10 days later with a sick note for the next 3 weeks, and within that time the company I was working for made the decision to close, so when I finally went back to work I didn't have the time to go back to my old routine. My time was now filled with helping with the end of the current company, working out if I could set up my own company alone at 25 years old, and meeting after meeting to try and make that happen.  It's funny really because if in that position now, I'm not sure I would have the bravado to make the same decisions, or the confidence in my own abilities to be sure it would be the right path for me.  Alas, I did set up on my own from December 2015 and am still going now, nearly 2 years on, so that woman obviously knew something then that I seem to have forgotten about now, and wish I could find again.

In the decision to set up my business I also decided it made sense to move back in with my dad, for financial and also sanity reasons, in addition to still being wiped out by the glandular fever. This change of routine and the illness had really knocked me from my routine, and I think in the move home I just turned back into the kid I always had been. Not bothered particularly to get out of my warm bed, why did I need to when my meals were now made for me and all my work could be done from the comfort of my bed on my laptop?

In the April of 2016, I met a very lovely boy, and after 2 dates we decided to enter into a relationship, all very romantic... maybe I'll do a separate post about that, but it was obviously right as we are in fact still in love and together! Then contentness, mixed with laziness and too many meals out, plus too much work and no exercise particularly to speak of, and it's led me to here... 17 stone 8lb... nearly 5 stone heavier than what I was when I got ill/moved home/set up my business/ ran the half marathon. 

I feel tired and sick, all day everyday. I don't want to particularly leave the house, or my partner to touch me, or even to get out of bed most days.  Nothing fits, I'm buying clothes bigger than I've ever had to before, this is the heaviest I have ever been, yet I still can't find the motivation to really care or make too big a change to my life...

However, I decided to make one change and stick with it.  I joined a running club on 11th September 2017 for beginners. It's a twice weekly club for around an hour, and in the first week I came home on the verge of tears because I struggled with running for one minute.  Where had I gone wrong? Where was the me I loved gone? Why hadn't I taken action earlier to remedy the issue? I'd loved running, why did I stop for so long?

Last week though, in week 3, I was doing my homework session with the boyfriend and had to run 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes.  At the end of the session I was still not home, and made a decision to just see how close I could get to home before I gave in, or something failed me in myself whether it be legs, lungs, or mindset.  I found my pace. It was on... I ran for a full 12 minutes! If I could have made myself a full scale trophy, I bloody would have.  I was so so happy with my progress in such a short space of time. So I'm remembering that feeling and trying to carry it through with me to push me further and faster and motivate me to keep on. 

I need to remember that it's taken me 2 years to get back to this person I don't like being, so it's going to take me as long, if not longer, to get back to the girl I always still thought was fat and ugly, but believe me, I'd much rather be the me 2 years ago, than the me now.  She may have struggled but she had strength and determination and passion for life. 

Whoever says losing weight is as easy as eating less and moving more, doesn't understand the real struggles of it.  It's definitely more of a mindset than a logical step, and I'm really hoping that this is my mind set shift, and writing in here again will keep me on track.  Weight loss is a struggle, don't believe everything you read and see on social media.  You don't see the people behind the photos slogging their guts out for 2 hours before work every day for that 'perfect' body; or the girls who have come so far only to still think it's not good enough. 

I hope I'm going to be good enough. I hope I'm going to be able to do this once and for all.

Fingers crossed!

Friday, 27 March 2015

It's been ages... But, I'm Back!!!



So, yeah.  It's been aaaages since I last wrote on here.  There have been some ups, some downs but I'm firmly back on my journey now.

I've actually been back on the road since 5th January (The first Monday of the year... it's always best to start on a Monday!).  I weighed in at 15 stone 6.4lbs when I weighed in after Christmas and can safely say I had devoured all of the nice food over Christmas so that by the time I was restarting my journey I literally didn't want to see anything apart from vegetables, let alone eat any of it.

So, I started off with re-designing my eating from scratch.  Planning meals out for the week and strictly staying within my calorie goal of 1,500 max for the day, ensuring I had breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack and then dinner.  This was also assisted by making sure I went to bed (and hopefully sleep) before midnight and was getting up at 8am each morning so that I was ready for breakfast without feeling like it was the middle of the night.

I also incoporated exercise into my life, scheduling it in with my new office hours so that it was routine for me to go to the gym at certain times, which now, nearly at the end of week 12, feels terrible if I miss it, like I've failed myself with laziness.

There have been some tough days, mainly when I've been on my period, that I have found it difficult not to eat everything in sight. I have dealt with these days by letting myself have a few treats and then working extra hard in my exercise plans.  I have also allowed myself on a Friday to have a chicken kebab, quite healthy, but still a treat.  On days, where I need some chocolate, I still allow myself a max of 2 squares of dark chocolate, which really satisifies the craving, whereas I used to eat a whole bar and still not feel satisfied.

I think now, I have worked too hard over the 12 weeks to go back to my old ways of no exercise, and eating whatever I want without a thought to what it will do to my body, my mood, or my enjoyment of food.

So, nearly finished week 12 of my new life and I am now 14stone 3.6lbs - a loss of 17lbs, and today I actually walked past my mirror and thought, 'Blimey! I'm much smaller than I remembered being.'  Obviously, most days I am still unhappy with my body but, that just pushes me to keep going, but I am proud of how far I have come in the past 12 weeks.  It also means that I am down 42.6lbs in total from my heaviest of 17stone 4lbs, and am now (finally!) into the 100 lbs rather than 200s.

I think it has helped to have my sister and brothers girlfriend on the journey with me as we are all checking in with each other throughout the day and, unlike many other weightloss groups, I can't lie or ignore the messages or meetings because they're family, I have to be responsible and accountable for my choices, especially because they are both trying so hard as well. We have agreed to do a 5K together in June, and because I have been running quite a lot in my gym routine, I have also signed up to a half marathon in October!! Insane!!

In the 12 weeks, my fitness has drastically improved.  I could just about jog for 30 seconds on 7.0km/h on my first day back in the gym with a 10min stroll in between.  Yesterday, I managed to jog on 8.7km/h for 8 mins, power walk on 7.0 for 5 mins and then jog for a further 8mins on 8.7 (with a lot of bargaining with myself, just get to the next 30 secs, next song, next minute etc...) Also, after the first day back in the gym at the end of the 30 sec jog the heart rate monitor warned me my rate was too high, now I am still close to the limit but it's not warning me anymore, proving that my heart and lungs and legs are all stronger and working together better to get me through!

October 4th 2015, half marathon.  I'm coming for you!

(If you want to sponsor my half marathon you can do so at )

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Tuesday Weigh in Week 3 update

I realise it's not Tuesday today but here is the update from yesterday.

Weight gain was 2lbs so am back to being 16stone (224lbs)

Finally got round to measuring myself this week though (inches):

                    Waist                       Hips                       Bust

So yeah, just a quick update because I'm so busy applying for jobs this week.  It was finally the 1st September meaning I had to give up on my dream of walking straight into a theatre job and simply apply for jobs I won't mind in London.  I'll then do voluntary experience in the theatre and work my ass off to get where I want but whilst earning some sort of money and getting my life back. 

Have a good week all :)

Monday, 2 September 2013

The failings of this week!

Hello all,

You may have guessed from m lack of posts but I have been a bit rubbish this week! I don't think it's going to be even anywhere near a good weigh in tomorrow.  I think I have probably put on at least the 3lb that I lost last week but we shall see tomorrow for sure.

Basically,  after I gave blood it was all good until I was sat on the toilet and passed out.  Moral of the story, don't lie to the nurses and yourself when they ask if you have had plenty to eat and drink.  Plenty to drink, yes, I'd had quite a lot of water.  Plenty to eat, erm... no.  I'd had a banana and that was all.  So that knocked it out of me for the rest of the day and also Wednesday, so no exercise and I ended up having crisps. Not even one bag, I had 3 bags of crisps and 2 penguin chocolate bars.  This then led me to be on a downer about how rubbish I had been and I ended up not doing any exercise.

Friday I found out my sister was having to go to America with work for a month, so I travelled up to London, drank crazy amounts of alcohol, in one bar I had a pitcher containing 8 vodka shots(500cals), red bull (115cals) and a bottle of champagne (650cals) and then had half a bottle of wine (300cals) on top of all that plus a few extra bits and pieces of drinks and to top it off I had a curry (580) and naan bread (395cals) to soak it all up.  Just that evening out comes to about 2540 cals - double what I am supposed to allow myself.  I don't do things by half... then I decided to not care, after all I was 'on holiday!'

Then I met up the next day with the ex boyfriend, drank copious amounts of gin and rum, ate cakes and continued to fail.

So tomorrow, I shan't cry and throw a paddy about my weight gain, I deserve whatever that scale says.

But, it's not about giving up at the first hurdle.  Tomorrow is the start of a new weight loss week.  I shall accept it, pick myself up and run on. (Literally!)

Goodnight for now.  I shall update you tomorrow.

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Blood Donations

Today, I finally got round to donating blood for the 2nd time.  Being O Positive means that I am in the most common of blood types (with around 37% others being the same type) but this is a universal donor and can be given to around 83% of recipients so it's a really helpful type to be.  The first time I did it was back in March 2007 so it's taken a while!  I think it's a really good thing to do because there are so many people out there that require blood for different things and only 4% of people in the UK take the time to donate. That's only 4 out of every 100 people! If you break it down it's one person in every 25 and the way I see it my whole family is made up of around 25 people so if one of those gets sick I'd like to know that the resources were available.  But then, you can only give one pint each donation (3 times a year for women, or 4 times a year for men) so if someone needed a blood transfusion it's quite likely my one pint (or 3 in a year) wouldn't be able to cover it!  I first decided to donate blood when my mum got ill with cancer and every now and, from time to time, would require extra blood to help her body to fight harder, and I remember always feeling so grateful to those people that had taken the time to donate blood to help others.

Apart from helping the people who need the blood to get better, or even to survive illnesses, there are great benefits for the donor (and no, I don't mean the awesome keyring I got!).  In the way of health and life expectancy generally women live longer than men and this may be to do with the fact that they lose blood each month through menstruation.  So here are some of the benefits for a donor health - 

Weightloss: I can't exert myself and go for a run today, but I've done something way more calorie burning! Donating a pint of blood burns 650 calories on average! That's way more than the amount that would have been burnt by me going for a run!

Prevention of cancer and aging:  It reduces the iron build up in your blood which can help reduce your risks of getting cancer because iron in the blood increases the level of free-radical damage to your body, in turn increasing the risk of cancer and aging. 

Reduces risk of Type II Diabetes: Several studies have found that by reducing the iron stores by getting rid of excess iron and minerals the sensitivity to insulin is increased and therefore risk of type II diabetes is reduced.

Heart Problems: It can also help with heart problems because the body will replace the blood lost in 2 days.  But this is mostly just fluid, it can take up to 56 days for all of the red blood cells to regenerate up to their former numbers.  In turn, this makes the blood diluted and thinner therefore, applying less pressure to the heart and arteries.  

So, it's all good news! Only bad part of it was the fact that when I sat up I nearly passed out but the nurses were absolutely lovely and got me back to my former self by feeding me biscuits and giving me fluids :)  I really recommend it to anyone that is able to give blood!

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Tuesday Weigh in (Week 2)

Today was weigh in day and I'm 222 lbs so a loss of 3lb since last Tuesday which I am quite happy about because it's going down.  The annoying thing is though, where I weighed myself everyday I know that at one point this week it was 221 so would have been a loss of 4lb and made my spreadsheet look better. I also didn't meet my goal of being 221 by today :/ I know that fluctuations occour though and I'm definitely stronger than I was last week so I am really quite happy.

I'm going to try and not weigh myself every morning this week, perhaps just every other morning because I don't want it to all be about the numbers.  It needs to be about how I'm feeling in myself and listening to my body if it needs a rest or if I can work harder and push myself.

Yesterday I think I did quite well in regards to the food side of things because we went to a summer fete and there were all sorts of tasty and delicious foods there that normally I would have not given a second thought about whether to buy them or not.  I really really wanted a burger and some fried small doughnuts, but I resisted and had some strawberries and blueberries instead.  However, being out and about all day yesterday did mean that I didn't get a chance to do any workout at all, but 1 day shouldn't matter too much.

I'm going to go for a run today, do some strength training with the resistance band and try and get my plank up to 20 secs for 3 reps.  I'd like to lose another 3lb by next Tuesday and be 219 (15stone, 9lb)

Have a good day all :)

Current weight: 15stone 12lb (222lb)      Current BMI:     38.09

Goal Weight:     8 stone 10lb (122lb/55.3kg)        Left to lose:       7 stone (100lb)

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Sunday - Run Day

Well, hello there!

So today has definitely gone tons better than yesterday did.  I tidied my room, hoovered and organised my DVDs.  I also worked my flippin ass off as I mentioned yesterday I would be trying to do.

My workout consisted of going out jogging + walking for 30 mins, and jogging to the park is now an achievable thing, knowing I managed it once there is no excuse for me to stop before I get there now. When I got in from jogging I did stretches in the garden, my brother came out and helpfully told me I looked like a beetroot! All I could think was, 'If you still look cute at the end of the workout, you didn't work hard enough!' :D

After the stretches in the garden I went to my newly cleaned room and got my resistance tubing out.  I received this about 3 days ago and for £2.99 it's definitely one of the nest workout things I've purchased in my life. Using this to increase the intensity I did 10x10 squats, 10x10 bicep curls, 5x10 lateral raises. I tried so hard I wanted to cry, particularly on the lateral raises because my arms were buuurning!! After working my legs and arms, I did 2x15sec planks to work the abdominal section.

All in all a good day to work out and I definitely feel so much better than I did in yesterdays post.  Today I could achieve anything!

The one stumbling block I have hit today though has been regarding my calories.  As you probably know I am trying to hit 1210 calories a day because I want to be healthy and strong, not just thin.  Today though, I have only hit 800 :/ I got up too late for breakfast, lunch consisted of cous cous + a fruit salad (blueberries, strawberries, raspberries) with some Vanilla bio yoghurt.  But, for dinner, my dad made Honey and Mustard chicken with Aunt Bessie roast potatoes and cauliflower.  I really dislike mustard and due to the sauce being over everything I had to reassemble my dinner.  So, I segregated the chicken, 2 potatoes and 3 florets of cauliflower and using kitchen towel removed as much of the sauce as I could, but I was still apprehensive of the mustard element so didn't even eat much of what I had.

I'm sure one day of eating too few calories won't really hurt but I just wanted to have a perfect day to lead the rest of my days by the example.

G'night all... 2 days to weigh in... hopefully Tuesday I will see if it's been worth it this week. Feel free to let me know how y'all are doing :) xx